Sears and K-Mart Merge
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Additionally, Sears is formulating plans to have the spokeperson of their Craftman's tool line, Bob Vila, break Martha Stewart out of prison.
"Martha and I actually had a deal worked out for years" stated Bob Vila when walking through the ceiling fan section of his local hardware store "we agreed that, if I got into prison, Martha would bake a cake with a nail file in it. Then, I would shave my bunk bed into little pieces, and form them into a chainsaw so I could carve a hole in the prison wall. But, since Martha got arrested, I have to add an extra room to her cell. More specifically, I have to add an escape rout."
The famed construction worker looks forward to using his new CellBreaker 666, "if not for this tool, I don't think I could rescue Martha. It's not that only the CellBreaker 666 would work - I could use anything to raid the prison - but the CellBreaker is fast enough that I won't be killed by Martha's bitching about how the floor gets dirty."
Martha was too busy making tapestries out of her former cellmate's skin to be reached for comment.
Just in case you didn't realize, this is a joke. Martha killed her cellmate months ago, and turned the skin into a leather jacket, which she bartered for a needlepoint set.
Sears, Roebuck and Co. and Kmart Holding Corp. today announced a merger aimed at setting a new record in the arena of retail bankruptcy filings.
"Rather than just vanish from the American landscape, we want to be remembered by our shareholders for decades," said Kmart CEO Edward Lampert who will head the new Sears Holding Corp. "We're change agents, and this merger is bound to change college and retirement plans for thousands of our shareholders."
In related news, jailed Kmart partner Martha Stewart will release a new video demonstrating how to make wallpaper from Sears Holding Corp. stock certificates.
"The wallpaper is attractive and the best way to get value out of your stock," according to Ms. Stewart's cellmate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Sears and Kmart executives remain free pending charges.
Additionally, Sears is formulating plans to have the spokeperson of their Craftman's tool line, Bob Vila, break Martha Stewart out of prison.
"Martha and I actually had a deal worked out for years" stated Bob Vila when walking through the ceiling fan section of his local hardware store "we agreed that, if I got into prison, Martha would bake a cake with a nail file in it. Then, I would shave my bunk bed into little pieces, and form them into a chainsaw so I could carve a hole in the prison wall. But, since Martha got arrested, I have to add an extra room to her cell. More specifically, I have to add an escape rout."
The famed construction worker looks forward to using his new CellBreaker 666, "if not for this tool, I don't think I could rescue Martha. It's not that only the CellBreaker 666 would work - I could use anything to raid the prison - but the CellBreaker is fast enough that I won't be killed by Martha's bitching about how the floor gets dirty."
Martha was too busy making tapestries out of her former cellmate's skin to be reached for comment.
Just in case you didn't realize, this is a joke. Martha killed her cellmate months ago, and turned the skin into a leather jacket, which she bartered for a needlepoint set.
posted by Chris at
2:41 PM
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